What Porn Stole from My Masculinity

It is no secret that a porn addiction is destructive and unhealthy. There has been study after study that has scientifically proven it to be true, and celebrities like Russell Brand that has come out and talked about it, and organizations like Fight The New Drug that openly communicate the reality of it. That's not what I'm writing about. This post is intended to help men open their understanding to the lasting effects porn has on their masculinity and how it slowly erodes away at their soul. How do I know this to be true? Unfortunately, it comes from personal experience. My story isn’t unique. Unfortunately, it’s far more common than most people are willing to admit.  I was born in the early eighties, and my first introduction to porn was when I was a young teenager. I found a “dirty magazine” next to a dumpster. It’s scary to think of how easily kids can access porn today compared to when I was growing up. That magazine led to a struggle which lasted into my late twenties. The problem with porn is the damage lasts much longer than the struggle. There’s a lasting effect of its deceitful attraction even though you get free from the addiction. So what did porn steal from me over that 15 year period? The short answer is a lot, but let’s dig into the long answer.

Clarity of my calling in life.

One of the many problems with porn is the timing of its introduction into our lives. Most kids can find porn anywhere from 9 - 12 years old, and often even younger. When this happened for me, it clouded my ability to identify my God-given calling. I was drawn into the fatal attraction it presented, and it slowly pulled me away from God’s original plans. That said, God is the master of working all things together for our good. I don’t think for a second my struggles with porn would have lead to me missing my calling, but it did make finding my calling longer and more painful than it needed to be.

My sense of self-worth.

I would say this is something I still struggle with at times. Maybe we all do to a degree, but it was always hard for me to see the value in myself when I was doing something that made me question my worth. I would say things like “If they only knew the reality of my life they’d never…..” or “I can’t even stop looking at porn, so there’s no way I have much to offer.” I would constantly doubt my self-worth primarily because I felt powerless to my addiction. It caused me to question the validity of my voice into someone’s life, building something for fun, making a decision small or large, and the list goes on.

The Shame...Oh, the shame.

It’s impossible to look at porn and not feel shame, especially when you understand that shame is the thing which separates us from God. Porn is nothing more than one of the mechanisms used to introduce shame into our lives. I would often look at porn, masturbate, immediately feel shame, swear I’d never do it again, and repeat. It would lead to me hating this part of myself, which then caused even more shame. Shame heaped upon shame is a great recipe for creating hopelessness and isolation. I felt all alone and powerless to my cycle. I didn’t want anyone to know what was really going on, especially when I was in the midst of doing ministry. Instead of being present and connected to the moment, I was internally feeling sorry for myself and felt like a fraud.

My connection to God.

This ties into shame but needs its own point. To be clear, there was a time I wasn’t pursuing God and struggled with porn. During those years I wanted nothing to do with God…. but I had praying parents and a lot of guardian angels that helped keep me alive and eventually helped turn me back to Him. The problem was, when I re-committed my life to Christ, the porn addiction didn’t just go away. I know it does for some, but it didn’t for me. I still struggled for years. Each time I would “mess up”, and feel shame, it felt impossible to spend time with God. It was as if I wasn’t worthy because of my actions. Not only this, but I felt no connection when I  tried to worship. It was like I was singing empty songs that were meant for passionate people who were pure, which wasn’t me. I would often feel a conviction to repent, but the longer I struggled as a Christian the more it felt like I was repenting knowing  I would screw up in the next few days. Since I felt like this, I didn’t want to repent, which in turn made me feel distant.

Insecurity in my penis.

If you read my post on sex or any one of my other posts, then you will know I tend to be somewhat direct. Well, I’m staying true to this by sharing this point. 😃 Here’s another deception porn creates. The guys in the videos… um… well… they are often not average by any means. I didn’t know this and always felt embarrassed about the size of my penis. Little did I know that the average size was nothing like what I was seeing in porn. All I knew as a teenager, and into my twenties, was I didn’t have what they had and it led to me feeling I was less of a man and physically insecure. It wasn’t until my wife would say things like “it’s the perfect size for me” that I began to be ok with how God made me. My wife’s influence along with learning about the reality of men in porn were two factors of many that made me ok with that part of my body. The same can be said about the physical attributes of a woman in porn (or even modeling in most cases). When women use the women in porn as their standard, it only leads to feeling ashamed of their body instead of loving it.

Feeling like a failure in bed.

This ties into my point above, but it goes a layer deeper than just the size of my penis. I’m referring to my ability to please her. I had put a lot of pressure on myself directly due to the fact I had looked at so much porn and by the time we got married I felt like I had to be a rock star every time we had sex. I quickly realized that wasn’t going to happen. There were times in our first few years of marriage sex was awkward, or I did something that didn’t feel good to her. Instead of seeing it for what it was, which was two people learning about each other’s bodies, I felt like I was a complete failure. It caused me to shut down and disconnect. Even though I wasn’t looking at porn the moment we were having sex, the shame caused distance from my wife in the very area that God designed to create the deepest level of intimacy. Each time this happened, my masculinity would take a hit. It led to me feeling  I couldn’t adequately please the woman I love. Yes, sex made me feel like a failure… damn you porn!

It distorted sexual expectations with my wife.

In the same way, I had the expectation I needed to be a rock star in bed. I also had the expectation that sex was going to be this amazingly orgasmic experience (pun intended). I would want her to recreate scenes  I had watched without her knowing. Unsurprisingly she either felt violated or didn’t want to do what I wanted. She would say no, which left me feeling disappointed, and caused distance instead of intimacy. This didn’t happen every time, but it stood out when it did. The problem was she wanted to love me and connect, but not in the way  I wanted to. Also, she didn’t know  I was struggling with a porn addiction at the time. Not only did I want something she should never give, but I was the only one who t knew why I wanted it in the first place. You can only imagine the amount of shame I felt. In short, porn robbed a lot of connection that was intended during our first few years of marriage. It wasn’t until I confessed my struggle that it began to change. It took time, but I now have appropriate expectations. Ones that are based on our intimacy and history, not ones that are built on a something a perverted movie set has to offer.

Connection with all women.

I would see women more as objects than who they actually were. I had been conditioned to look at their physical beauty first, and use it as a measuring stick for who they were as a person. My relationships were often shallow and superficial, much like porn is. Porn is like a drug. The cravings only increase over time and you need more of it in order to “get high”.  When I saw a girl that was showing her cleavage, wearing a tight skirt, yoga pants, etc. I would visually take from her. I didn’t care that I was essentially cheating on my wife, much like a drug addict, I needed a fix and I was getting it. Looking at porn when no one was watching caused me to find safety in isolation and shut people out from seeing the real me. I was afraid to let any woman get to know me because I felt sure they would learn about my addiction and end our friendship. This also tied into my personal fear of rejection, but we’re only addressing the damage of porn for now.There is Hope. God loves to turn our stories of pain into stories of strength and reconciliation. For me, it has been a hard fought battle, but I have learned a lot in the process. I have met lifelong friends when I was willing to face the pain I was feverishly trying to numb. I embraced a journey of healing and learned how to become self-aware, not only regarding porn but in several areas of my life.

• I have become a life consultant and help people navigate through the very things I’ve struggled with.
• I have found one of my passions, which is to talk about the things I wish I knew years ago and equip people to be proactive in life.
• I have an amazing sexual relationship with my wife.
• I have spiritual daughters and healthy relationships with several women who know me, the real me.

I don’t exclusively blame porn for my insecurities, fears, or struggles I have in life. That said, it has been a large contributing factor of my journey in masculinity and made it significantly harder than if I had never found it in the first place.