10 Ways Divorce was a Gift I Didn't See Coming
Let me start by saying this is not a celebration of divorce. Divorce is horrible. It is the death of a covenant relationship which, according to God’s perfect design, was never intended to end. It was by far my personal valley of death and has caused pain I never wish on anyone.
That said, I personally believe God is the master at working all things together for good. He has a unique and supernatural way of taking a horrible situation and turning it into a gift, but it requires our intentionality to lean into His heart and find out what the gift is. We either chose to lean in to find the good or let the pain become a source of resentment.
Looking for the gift in pain helps you find God’s heart and your authentic design.
I have had to make that choice 100 times over, and will probably have to 100 times more in the coming years. Doing so has allowed me to find a few good things from my divorce… here they are:
It introduced pain to my children:
We are all exposed to significant pain in our lives at some point, it’s part of being human. Some will argue divorce causes unnecessary damage at a young age. I would both agree and disagree. Even though my ex and I are good parents, ending the marriage caused our children a level of pain hard to adequately describe in words.
The worst thing about divorce by far is the pain it causes children. You can guard them against part of a marriage ending, but it’s impossible to prevent. They are the unintended casualties hit by the shrapnel of the grenade label “divorce.”
That said, when you have parents who chose to be present and have created a culture of permission to express emotions honestly, it can actually be a beautiful thing. I was able to be an anchor for my children when their world was crumbling and taught them lessons I believe will help them when they inevitably encounter significant pain as an adult.
It deepened the relationship with my children:
There has been a bond, trust, and intimacy that has been created with my children through the separation.
I’ll never forget when I was in California, and my son said: “I hate you, dad”!.He didn’t fully know what he was feeling in the moment, but to him, it was this intense emotion of hatred. It felt real to him, and that’s what mattered. I knew it wasn’t actual hatred because he wasn’t able to look me in the eyes. He was scared, confused, and felt abandon by my decision to spend time away from the family.
I told him, “It’s OK if you hate me, but you need to look me in the eyes when you say it.” He pushed back with tears in his eyes and said he didn’t want to, but eventually did. When we were locked eye-to-eye, I let my love for him penetrate deep into his heart. I said, “That’s OK son, I still love you. Nothing you feel towards me will ever change how much I love you.”
That moment was one of many that laid a foundation for the deep bond we have today. Could our deep connection have formed without the divorce? I don’t know…. All I know is the pain my children experienced was horrible and yet beautiful at the same time.
It removed my ex from the “God Spot” in my heart:
No one person can be the source of life, unconditional love, and the source of fuel for your life. I loved my wife with every fiber of my being. I didn’t always know how to express my love, but I had given her my whole heart. So much so that in certain ways, she became my God.
I put an expectation on her to be something no one could ever be. I subconsciously needed her affirmation to feel confident, her permission to make a decision and expected her to heal my wounded heart.
In essence, I set her up for failure. The beauty of the divorce is she no longer has that space in my heart. It had initiated a journey of self-exploration with God I was too afraid to go on when I had the dysfunctional comfort of having someone tangible I could look to.
It exposed my worst fear:
You may be asking yourself, “how in the world is this point a good thing?”. Let me explain….
I’m a six on the enneagram. The enneagram is a bit complicated, but in my opinion, gives the best description of how you’re internally wired. If you’re not familiar with the enneagram, I would highly suggest taking this test.
An intricate part of a sixes inner world is playing out worst-case-scenarios. This served me well when I was in the Marines and had to try and anticipate what may go wrong, but it’s a horrible approach to marriage. It distorted reality and robbed my ability to pursue my ex out of desire. Fear became the driving force of my pursuit, which was understandably a turnoff for her.
The divorce was a gift because, during my marriage, my greatest fear was my ex wouldn’t choose me/us, and I would be all alone. When we ended up getting a divorce, two things happened.
I realized I was able to overcome my perceived worst fear, which has emboldened the belief in my ability to push through anything life may throw my way.
It exposed the reality that, while my fear came true and was absolutely horrible, it was not as devastating as I had made it out to be in my heart. Something I am now learning how to apply to other perceived fears.
It exposed and brought to the surface, my inner victim:
I have learned to hate my inner victim. I know hate is a strong word, and I’m using it on purpose. Looking back, I realized just how much my victim mentality was present in our marriage.
One way of describing this is to think about being selfless for those of you who have children. You may think you’re a selfless person… then you have kids and realize you have soooo far to go. The divorce exposed my inner victim like having kids reveals how selfish you actually were. :-)
Some things were genuinely out of my control, but I lumped those in with so many things I was afraid to take responsibility for. At the moment, it was far more convenient to use my ex as the scapegoat for my insecurities.
I now have to face my inner victim because my go-to excuse has been removed. I can no longer say, “I wish I could X but don’t feel I can pursue that while married.”
It stripped me of a false identity:
If you asked me a year ago what made up my identity, my marriage would have been at the top next to being a father to my children. I made the wrong assumption that marriage was one thing that would never change, and in doing so, I formed a large portion of my identity on something that was never guaranteed.
I felt able to pursue my passions, do life consulting, and grow as long as I had my marriage. So when my marriage started to fall apart, my identity went crumbling right along with it. I see the divorce as a gift in the sense I am now on a journey of defining who I am as a person separate from any external factors.
It removed my #1 excuse in life:
This directly ties into the victim mentality. I used a variety of things connected to my marriage as an excuse.
I love how the divorce has removed that excuse and required me to take ownership in a way I honestly don’t think I could while being married…. at least not remaining in the marriage I was at the time.
It forced me to ask hard questions:
We often don’t like being brutally honest with ourselves, at least I don’t. I’d much rather go about my life staying “busy” enough where sitting myself down for a candid conversation seems impractical.
I couldn’t help but cycle through a litany of questions while processing the grief connected to the death of my marriage. Some of those questions may never be answered, but I honestly appreciate how my circumstances made way for them to be asked.
It allowed me to rebuild my relationship with myself:
I’ve been given the gift of redefining who I am as a man separate from the external benchmark of marriage. It has been scary, hard, unknown, but also exciting, fun, and surprising.
I am actually more OK with my insecurities, fears, and shortcomings than at any time in my life. I love them because they make up who I am. Equally so, I’ve never been more clear, proud, and unashamed of the greatness I carry.
That said, sometimes, it’s scarier to embrace our greatness than to sulk in our insecurities. Primarily due to the fact we have found comfort in the familiarity our insecurities give us since we have carried them most of our lives. Whereas our greatness is like stepping into the unknown.
You know it’s something better than where you currently are, but the desire to pull back into the known is real.
It deepened relationship with my core:
I am a huuuuge proponent of having a core group of same-sex people in your life. These are the people you text, call or hang out with. They get to see the “ugly” side of you… which ironically is the most beautiful side.
Unfortunately, I lost a chunk of my community going through the divorce. It was devastating to have people say they are “family” and fall entirely off the radar in my darkest hour.
That said, it also drew my core even closer. I have a tiny handful of people I now know will be with me no matter what. Our relationship has grown closer with each year that passes. Something I will forever be grateful for.
I challenge you to make a list of 10 gifts from one of your negative situations. Whether it’s divorce or any variety of painful experiences, life throws our way. You will be glad you did.